There will be peace

I am alone.

Don’t feel sorry for me. This is in a good way. Solitude is rejuvenation for the soul. Loneliness is something else entirely. This weekend I intend to enjoy my aloneness. It doesn’t happen very often these days, so I will revel.

I will mop the kitchen/nook floor. At our house, with a two-year old under foot, it doesn’t happen nearly as often as it should. Now I know most of you are thinking: “Well, why can’t she just mop the floor while the kid is napping?” Technically I could, but mopping is therapy and not something to be rushed or taken lightly. Several years ago we replaced our ugly vinyl flooring with beautiful stone tiles. A thorough mopping is all they need to look spectacular. Thus I will be Zen mopping at some point this weekend.

I will bathe Mufasa, my dog, and give him a haircut. This is another task that is difficult to do with Mr Inquisitive living at my house. Mufasa was my first “baby.” He and I will spend some quality time this weekend.

I will layout the blocks of my current quilting project on the floor in the family room and decide what order they should be in. Again, one of those tasks made absolutely impossible with an extremely energetic rug rat in the house.

I will blog. I have been sadly neglecting my blog for the past several months. I am hoping to give some much needed attention to both it and my journal.

I will linger in the shower because I don’t have to worry about Liam waking up in the middle of my ablutions and opening the curtain saying: “Mom. Mom. Mom.”

I will eat strange foods that I cannot get my husband to eat.

I will stay up too late and get up too early.

I will watch chick flicks.

I will revel.

It will be a quiet, introspective weekend which will end on Sunday at 5 p.m. when Chris and Liam get home from Grandma’s. I can’t wait to see them . . . I miss them both.

Being a mom is full of surprises

Last night when I was heading to bed, I made my usual trip down the hall to check on Liam. The door to his room wouldn’t open and it took me just a second to realize why. He was sound asleep on the floor right behind the door. I was tempted to just leave him there, but he had no covers and would have gotten very cold long before morning.

What to do?

I eased the door open just as far as it would go, knelt down and reached through the crack (it was just wide enough). I was able to gently roll him over which then gave me just enough room to slip through the door myself. I gathered him up, along with all the critters he sleeps with, and laid him back in his bed. He never even stirred. Whew!

Generally, after Liam goes to bed each night the adventure for the day has ended . . . but not always.

"String too short to use"

10) Liam went to the pediatrician today. Well baby.

9) I am starting to get my thoughts together about this trip we are leaving on in a week. We will be gone for three weeks! Yike! In my world this takes much planning, list making and thought. In CJE’s world he can walk out the door with his toothbrush in hand and be fine. Grr! I guess that’s why he married me . . . I always wondered.

8) I have not blogged in over a month. So sue me. Life was nuts and Liam was cutting eye teeth. Trust me when I tell you, eye teeth are the worst. Even the molars were easier.

7) I read the most amazing book. Ken Follett’s Pillars of the Earth. Incredible. It goes on the list of books I would want with me on a deserted island.

6) Quilt camp. Extraordinary. Quiet, peaceful retreat with like-minded, crafty people. Heaven on earth.

5) Because, as I mentioned in #9, we are leaving in about a week, I am now trying to figure out how to cram a month’s worth of work into the first 10 days of June. Somehow I don’t think it’s going to work.

4) I am feeling the need to write again. Here and in my journal. I kept a journal from 1995-2007. In 2007 my life turned upside down and it hasn’t righted itself yet, but I have decided that’s no excuse. I so should be journaling anyhow. Fifty lashes with a wet noodle and here I go. No catching up, just start from where I am.

3) I found some of the best stuff on earth. Celestial Seasonings Imperial White Peach White Tea. Yummy. Because we live in the back of beyond, it is difficult to find around here. I ended up ordering it from www.amazon.com so then had to order a case, but it is scrumptious hot with a touch of honey and makes very delicious iced tea as well. You should try it.

2) Liam is two.



1) Time to read. Liam is napping, my work is done for today.

Affirmation is good for the soul

As a parent, I often wonder if I’m doing anything right. It is so very difficult to know. It is not like children come with instruction booklets and even if they did, each one is different so it mostly likely wouldn’t help anyway.

Today, however, I got affirmation that my hard work is paying off.

A friend watched Liam yesterday morning while CJE took me to a doctor’s appointment. She told us when we got back how much fun she and Liam had had and what a good boy he was and that she would be happy to watch him again anytime.

That made me feel good, but this morning she went one better. She called me and left a message on my voice mail. This is what she said: “I was just calling to thank you again for letting me come over and babysit your son yesterday. I had the best time and I just wanted to tell you that I think you have the most special child.”

Wow! I think he’s special, but my judgement is likely to be somewhat clouded on the subject. After all I’m not exactly an uninterested observer. Hearing he is special and sweet from someone else is a huge affirmation of what I am trying to do here.

There is no doubt this is the hardest thing I’ll ever do. They say that in order to grow and learn, you should do something everyday that scares you. Well, I got that covered; it scares me every day to get up and be a mom.

I want Liam to be healthy and smart and compassionate. I want him to be strong and wise and loving. I want him to love God and his fellow man. I want him to have good values and sound judgement. How do you teach these things? How do you instill them in your child?

Every day I take my best guess and hope something comes out right. Apparently it’s working cause he is a cute little boy who is strong and smart and sweet and fun. So, for today, I can breathe easy. Tomorrow is another day.

Liam, The Great

I have made a discovery recently. I’m sure others know this, but until recently, I didn’t. There is something incredible about watching your child learn new things.

A few days ago Liam brought me one of my shoes. Just kidding around, I said to him, “OK, where’s the other one.” Three seconds later here he comes with the other shoe. He also knows where his shoes belong. When you take them off him, if you hand them to him, he will take them and put them away. I know this is a temporary thing, as he gets older he will never put his shoes nor anything else away, but right now it is terribly cute.

For Christmas we got him a stuffed beehive with 10 little bees. He immediately took all the bees out of the hive and threw the hive in the corner. He’s been hauling the bees around in a little red wagon for months. This afternoon while I was sewing, here he came with the hive and sat down in the middle of the room and industriously put all the bees back into the hive.

This morning I was picking up toys and straightening the house preparing to vacuum. He had spent most of the week emptying his sock drawer and carrying handfuls of socks all over the upstairs. Don’t ask me why, I do not know. At any rate as I came across various socks mixed in with the toys, I handed them to Liam and told him to put them back in the drawer. At first he just threw them down, but a little while later I noticed the socks were gone. I checked and sure enough, they were back in the drawer where they belonged.

When our weather finally broke a couple weeks ago, we all went outside to do some yard work. I was pruning the raspberry bushes and I could hear Liam on the deck singing: “La La La La.” I walked around the corner of the house so I could see him and he was holding a stick up to his mouth. Cracked me up. I couldn’t wait to show Chris. I brought Liam around to the front of the house and told Chris Liam was playing with a stick. His response was, “Is it a sword?” I said, “No even better than that; it’s a microphone!”

Liam is starting to talk:
He calls me “Mum” and calls Chris “Ada.”
He says “Bump, bump, bump.”
He says “E-o.” It took us awhile to decipher this one, but it is “Liam.”
He says “Duck.” This one is dangerous. I told Chris, we are really going to have to watch our language now.
He doesn’t say yes or no, but he does says something that passes for yes. I don’t know how really to write it out, but you can tell when he says it, it is yes.
It is very obvious sometimes he is repeating whatever you say right back to you. It doesn’t sound quite like what you have said, but the tone and inflection will be spot on.

I know everyone’s kid is the brightest and the best, but mine is, too.

"String too short to use"

10) Because I believe pajamas are the most comfortable clothes ever, some years ago I gave up shoe shopping and became a pajama connoisseur. I love my jammies and have enough gowns and pjs to wear a different one each night for at least two weeks. But I found something new at Jacque Penne tonight. Something I didn’t yet have. Something that helps to complete my collection . . . no, never. I found a lovely white eyelet gown with lace and frills. It is sweet and somewhat dainty and demure looking. Covers from head neck to toes, but still manages to make me feel sexy. I love it.

9) The major draw back to my jammie fixation is: my shoes are wearing out. I haven’t bought a new pair of shoes in about six years and some of my pairs are 20+ years old. Yikes! I noticed a couple days ago that two of my favorite pair are needing replaced. No cobbler can fix them as the upper is splitting. Damn.

8) Chris and Liam left this afternoon to spend the weekend with his mom and stepdad. I will miss them, but I really needed a little time alone. I haven’t been able to get up when I want or go to bed when I want in about 22 months. Not to mention how I’ve neglected some of my hobbies that are problematic with a toddler under foot. Ahh! Just a bit of time.

7) Liam loves to be outside. The minute I get him out of the car he takes off on a walkabout. He walks with determination all over the yard and driveway and sidewalks. When I picked him up at day care today, we walked out to the car and while I was opening the door and tipping the front seat forward, he took off down their driveway just as fast as he could go, and let me tell you, he’s fast.

6) God has blessed me with a gift for design and crafting. I am putting it to good use making paraments for the Echo Community Methodist Church. I am having so much fun with this project. My creative juices are flowing and I am inspired! I love it.

5) Tulips and daffodils are sprouting in my flowerbeds. I drove (carefully) through a flock of robins this morning. Spring is finally here!

4) I’m going to Quilt Camp this year! The first weekend in May is Quilt Camp at Suttle Lake. Two friends and I are going to drive to Suttle Lake in central Oregon and spend three days sewing, quilting and crafting. Can’t wait!

3) I read “Slaughterhouse Five” a couple of days ago. It was never required reading where I went to school, so I had just never gotten around to it. I found it to be mildly entertaining, although I must admit, I’m not sure I’m clear on what all the fuss was about. It seemed rather an innocuous little book to me. Maybe I just didn’t get it.

2) Small boys are like tornadoes. Very unpredictable.

1) Something I read recently about Lent: “Of all the seasons of the church year, Lent is probably the most abused. It has become a period of excessive introspection, empty abstinence and the enjoyment of the gloom of self-denial. We have a need to rediscover Lent’s rich tradition. The purpose of ‘giving something up for Lent’ is not just to do without something as an end in itself. The purpose is to free up time, energy and resources which can then be put towards a fresh use for a new purpose.”

The Invisible Woman - Nicole Johnson

If you've read this somewhere else that I have posted it, forgive me, but I have a need to read this every so often as a reminder, why I am doing this, so I have posted it many different places. Thanks for your indulgence. - Janie

I'm invisible... ..

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm a car to order, "Pick me up right around 5:30, please."

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude -- but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going ... she's going ... she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this."

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."

In the days ahead I would read -- no, devour -- the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals -- we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it."

And the workman replied, "Because God sees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand-bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.