Things I love

Finding the joy in life right now is a bit of a struggle. It is temporary, I’m sure, but at times like these it is very difficult to write anything anyone would want to read. No one tunes in here to have their day brought down into the very depths.

Things are happening.

I have discovered the truth in the saying: “The ox is slow, but the earth is patient.” Now if only I could be. Patient, that is.

We put our house on the market a couple weeks ago. No one has even looked at it yet. I suppose I was too optimistic if I thought it would sell in nine days like our neighbor’s place did. Average time on the market is much longer than that. I was hoping we might get lucky although I should know better. Real estate is stressful.

A friend of mine composes a list of 10 things she loves every Thursday. I so admire her for this as here lately the things I love are buried under a heap of difficulties and I can’t even think of one. I’m sure at times hers are, too, but she is pretty faithful to the effort each week.

So in an effort to improve my outlook, here goes:

- My sewingroom. We have placed almost every personal item we own in storage in preparation for showing the house. Only two rooms were not stripped bare, our son’s bedroom and my sewingroom. I told the realtor I would be willing to repaint it, but until we get an offer, that room has to function for me.

 - The flexibility, openness and acceptance we find in our church and pastor. My soul can be at rest there again.

- Our puppy, Finn. He is cute as a button and completely rotten. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who loves him. He barks. He digs. He steals Liam’s toys and takes them out into the yard. At times he is so bad I feel guilty for ever bringing him home in the first place, and I’m sure my husband will make me pay for it forever, but I do love the little blighter.

- My work. I am jumping these days a bit more than I would like, but I do love what I do.

- Our son, Liam. He “graduated” from preschool this week and got and award for being most respectful and honest. We are very proud.

- My car, Sally. She is a 2003 Mustang Convertible. V6. Sonic Blue. Loaded. Prior to Liam coming along, she was my baby and I still love driving this car.

- My husband. I love this man with all my heart and it is a constant and pleasant surprise to me that he seems to love me, too.

- Spending time on the deck. We have a beautiful outside space on the back of our house. If it ever does sell, it’s what I am likely to miss the most.

- The green and coolness of these beautiful spring days.

- Friends, old and new, who love us enough to make an effort to spend time with us when we are in their vicinity. Looking forward to tomorrow!

Little dog you are loved

We have had to face an unwelcome truth this week: our little dog is failing.

Mufasa joined our family in December 1997. He was a 2.3 pound ball of fluff. My husband did not want a dog, but I really, really did. I talked CJE into letting me bring him home with me on a trial run one weekend. He never left. The tiny ball of fluff grew, not much, but some. I think the most he has ever weighed was 6½ pounds. CJE has often called him a “dog-lit,” because he is like a dog, only smaller. He became a sweet, mostly well-mannered little dog. Small enough to be a lap dog, he is altogether cuddly and adorable.

He has been part of our family and a great little dog. He’s quiet and he doesn’t shed. Those have been two huge factors in his favor over the years. He has been attached to me for 14 years. I made a pillow to fit the corner of my serger table and when I am sewing he sleeps right there under my elbow. When I am in my office he sleeps in the wing-backed chair behind me. At night he sleeps in his basket on the floor by my side of the bed. Unless he gets cold. Then he begs to get up on the bed, and slips under the comforter, not the sheet, just the comforter, between CJE and I. If I am in my recliner, he is too. If I get up he follows me. When he can’t find me in the house, he panics and runs from room to room until he locates me.

Last fall he bit our son, Liam. He didn’t mean to and he wasn’t being vicious. Liam startled him, and as Mufasa can’t see or hear anymore, he just lashed out. We have worked with Liam over the winter to not scare the dog, to be nice to the dog, to put a hand on the dog first so he knows you are there and that problem, while not going away, has gotten better.

Unfortunately my sweet little dog has become rather defiant about not going outside to potty. He doesn’t have much fur and hates the cold and wet. So this winter, rather than go outside to potty, he has been sneaking around all over the house to do it. We have had a pet door for several years and he knows how to get himself in and out, he just refuses to do it. This past week has been worse than ever as he has done it twice now right in front of me. I have to be constantly on alert. If he jumps down off my lap I have to watch him like a hawk to make sure he goes outside. I have to leash him to the bed at night so he will wake me if he tries to go anywhere. If I am leaving the house for even 2 minutes I have to kennel him.

I have spent much of the past several days in tears. This is not what I want, and perhaps if I had enough money to throw at the problem, it would go away. However, I feel that would be a lot like putting a Band-aid on a bullet wound. He is 14 years old, the issues are going to keep coming.

The poor little thing can no longer see or hear. This gives him no opportunity to obey. What I want or need him to do no longer matters. I have no way of getting across to him these desires.

As he has indeed been my constant companion for 14 years, this is not a decision I have come to lightly. We will all be devastated and miss him terribly. I feel just horrible about it, but in the end his quality of life has become the determining factor. He now lives in an almost constant and complete state of confusion. He doesn’t understand why he can no longer be loose in the house to come and go as he pleases and because we cannot get anything across to him, he no longer obeys and then subsequently is in trouble.

It has become a matter of trust.

CJE and I have agreed I will spend this coming weekend with my dog. I will give Mufasa a bath and walk him and assure him that he is loved.

CJE says: “Are you sure?”

Well, I both am and I’m not. I’m not simply because I just don’t want to do this at all. I am because I really want my memories of Mufasa to be happy ones. I don’t want the sweet memories of what a great little dog he has been completely colored over by the problems he is having and creating now.

"String too short to use"

10) A good friend sent me a book to read. I read it. I didn’t care for it and have reasons why I didn’t. I do appreciate her sending the book. Do I give her my honest opinion about the book? Or do I just send it back with no comment?

9) We are in the process of mucking out and putting half of our belongings into storage. I know it is true for most everyone, but still it surprises me the accumulation of stuff we have. We are donating piles and piles to a local thrift store, but still there is a lot for storage.

8) Made a cute little round purse in my sewingroom recently. It is a pattern I want to use for one of my five this year. I found the pattern to be a bit tricky as by the time you get to the final seams that attach the front and back to the sides the overall thickness is considerable. I am now studying the pattern to determine if there is a better way to finish the purse and avoid this unwieldy thickness.

7) January is finally over. January is always a crazy-busy month for me and this year was no exception. I actually think it was crazier than ever before, or maybe my memory is failing. Between having almost a whole week of snow days and trying to keep up with my four-year old, I have reached the end of January both mentally and physically exhausted. And, unfortunately, no real recovery time in sight. Damn.

6) I hope my faithful readers, if I have any, haven’t completely given up on me. I know it has been a long time since I have written anything. I read several blogs that are shared. First one person writes and then another, so the blog has new postings every day but no one person has to be on top of the ball each and every day. Hummm. Something to think about, although I don’t share all that well.

5) They tell me the groundhog will come out tomorrow and have a look around. I wouldn’t mind a shorter winter this year, so can we get that message to ol’ Pace Picante Phil?

4) My son is rapidly outgrowing his toddler bed. This breaks my heart as his Granddad, my dad, made it for him. Dad died 3½ years ago and Liam only remembers him because we show him pictures and talk to him about his Granddad. We are putting the bed in storage, but I wish we didn’t have to. He is growing so very fast.

3) Just going to give a little nibble about the new quilt I started. Naturally it is for Liam’s soon to be new twin bed. This quilt is a step out of my coordinated-color comfort zone. It is quite unique and I am having loads of fun with it. I have started a blog entry to tell more about it and post some pictures. Stay tuned. Aren’t I a tease?

2) I am doing the pay-it-forward on facebook again this year. I had so much fun with it last year, I just had to do it again. I only have one person from last year that managed to get on again this year, so I have an almost  whole new crop of friends to make something homemade for. I have ideas and two projects cut out already. Yea!

1) If you could have known someone as a child that you now know, who would it be?

So very proud of my son

My son Liam is four. He is attending preschool now and loving every minute of it. Forgive a mother's pride, but I just had to share this:

Liam's Preschool Christmas Program

He did so good and even managed to help the little boy next to him stay focused. It brought tears to my eyes. He's one-of-a-kind and such a good boy.

Happy. Happy. Joy. Joy.

According to a facebook friend: We are all supposed to pretend that life doesn’t suck, even occasionally, and nothing bad ever happens in our lives. Because she is unable or unwilling to deal with anything negative, I’m supposed to act as though my life is constantly, consistently good and I never need the help and support of my friends, because God-dammit, life is perfect.

So don’t post anything negative on facebook, cause she just doesn’t want to know about it.

Wow. I believe that to be a much larger burden than I really want to put on the people I call friends: You all must be happy and positive at all times, because I just don’t wish to deal with any of your sadness or gloom. Huh? Now how does that make me your friend?

Don’t get me wrong. I agree trying to stay positive and upbeat is a good thing. However, the expectation that people should not let their friends know when life is sucky is completely unrealistic and confining. While general whinyness should not be tolerated, when someone I know has had a bad day or a real situation of struggle in their life, I’m gonna hold up my hand and say: “STOP! I don’t want to hear it. Cause I just don’t want to have to cope with ANYTHING negative.” Again, huh?

Would that really make me a good friend?

Generally speaking I embrace the positive aspects of life. Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you, my outlook is generally positive and my expectation is for life to be perfect. Although I am frequently disappointed in the perfection side of things, I still keep going there time after time.

That being said, just like everyone else, I occasionally experience a bad day, week or whatever. Every single one of us has rough patches in our lives. Don’t we?

So some (I reserve the right to add/ask more) of my questions are:

   If I am overwhelmed at times by an ugly turn my life has taken, even if momentarily, should I hesitate to reach out to those who purport to love me?

   Why should I not let my friends know?

   I am a strong person, but am I not on occasion entitled to ask for and receive the love and encouragement of my friends?

   I am unbelievably humbled to find I have friends in my life who would willingly take a bullet for me if it meant sparing me anguish and pain. However, if they don’t know I am troubled, how can they get in the line of fire?

   Besides all that, don’t friends like to help friends?

   Isn’t that what being a friend is all about?

   Where would I be without my friends?

   How would I get through the dark times and back into the sunlight without them?

   I should hide my feelings and hurts inside so nobody knows they exist? I’m sure that would be a big boon to my mental health.

I thought they were my friends.

Friends love.

Friends support.

Friends have the shoulders I cry on when bad things happen and when life gets overwhelming.

Friends divide burdens and multiply joy.

If I insist on only happiness from myself and my friends, I am neither being a good friend, nor letting them be.

More "string too short to use"

10) After about 16 months of no naps, Liam has fallen asleep in the afternoon three days this week. This scares me because it probably means a growth spurt soon. Day after tomorrow his shoes all of a sudden won’t go on his feet. Overnight his pants will become too short and half of the T-shirts in his dresser will no longer go over his head. Joy.

9) I love my sisters. That being said; I’ve always wanted a brother. I always thought it would be nice to have a big brother to stick up for me and help me out of jams. All of ya’all out there with brothers, be thankful for them.

8) “Being taken for granted can be a compliment. It means that you've become a comfortable, trusted element in another person's life.” - Dr Joyce Brothers. You know what, Dr Joyce, you can just kiss my ass. Being taken for granted is not a compliment. Being taken for granted means you’ve become invisible. All the things you do just happen and no one knows or cares why or how unless you stop doing them.

7) A friend of mine posted on facebook she needed a dress hemmed. Well, I can hem a dress so I told her to come on by. HA. It is a triple-layered wedding dress. The outer layer is chiffon and is about 17 miles around. The two under layers are slippery lining fabric and are each only about 8.5 miles around. Can I do it? Yes. Will it be a fun chore? No. However, it will be done on time and beautifully finished cause that’s how I roll.

6) I thought of something last night to add to this just as I was getting into bed. It is gone. I knew I should have come down here and written it right then. My brain is definitely not what it once was.

5) Our little boy loves to dance. In the past week I have been treated with the dance of the Mary Poppins penguins (They wiggle their butts you know.) and a little naked Cha-Cha-Cha in the living room. Hysterical. I definitely have to get some video of the penguin dance. The naked Cha-Cha-Cha would probably get me arrested.

4) The weather was pleasant yesterday, so we spent the bulk of the day outside and in the garage doing some fall clean up and harvesting herbs. I rebuilt a flower bed that our plum tree had almost pushed over this past year. We defrosted and reorganized the freezer so I would know what is there and can plan menus accordingly. CJE took the leaf-blower to the leaves which had accumulated on the deck. He also sprayed the weeds poking through the sidewalk. Liam rode his bicycle and demonstrated his four-year-old underfoot skills. All in all it was a glorious fall day.

3) When we came in from outside yesterday I took a look at my To-Do List for the day. Except for the freezer, none of what we did was on the list. How frustrating! I so enjoy the satisfaction of crossing off the things we have accomplished. I have even been known to write down things I have already done just so I can check them off. That being the case, I quickly wrote “make raspberry jam” on the list as I had decided after going through the freezer, a couple packages of raspberries in there were looking a little sad and needed to be used. So I made jam in the afternoon, cause it was on the list, you know. Come on, I gotta be able to check off something!

2) Sometimes a mom just needs a quiet moment. So here I am, it is Sunday morning and much as I know CJE would have liked me to come to church with him and Liam; I am taking my moment of peace. Oftentimes this is the only way/time I can get one. I miss going to church, but this time of quiet renewal counts for more. I’m sorry it is this way, but it is.

1) If you had to name the one personality trait that you have tried the hardest to change in yourself, what would you say?

"String too short to use"

10) One of my on-again-off-again clients is on again. He got a nasty-gram from the Oregon Department of Revenue informing him he darned well better get his taxes filed for the last four years. His wife saw the letter and ‘bout had a panic attack. She doesn’t understand why ODR would care. “We don’t owe them any money,” she says to me. Well, Honey, you might not, but they have no way of knowing that. Plus they are likely to ding you like crazy in penalties simply for neglecting to file for the past four years. The bad side of this is I have been working 50+ hours a week trying to get them caught up. The good side is, our savings account will be nice and fat going into the holidays.

9) I am so very ready to put my lawn and gardens to bed. Yea fall!
       
8) I am thankful to have a few friends in my life who really get me. Friends who understand where I’m coming from even when my words don’t come out right are so rare and valuable. True kindred spirits are out there. When you find one, you don’t have to worry about losing them, they just become a part of your life forever.

7) Liam’s latest thing: Whenever we tell him he needs a bath he’ll say, “Smell me, Mom (or Dad).” Except that it comes out sounding like, “Sell me, Mom (or Dad).” And I can’t help but think each time he says it; we’ll never get any takers. We’d have to pay someone to take you, you little twirp.

6) My sister, Karen, recently posted online some pictures of my grandparents’ old place. Whoa. Talk about nostalgia. It is so funny, because they lived in the tiniest little house, and we used to all go there for Sunday dinners and holidays and the like. The main floor of their house couldn’t have been more than 1000 square feet (and probably less), but all their kids, kid-in-laws, grandkids and assorted friends would jam in there, at times more than 24 of us. I tell you, it must have been standing room only. Ahh. Good times.

5) I woke this morning without a headache. This is a rare, but good, thing.

4) No two women in the world are shaped alike. Apparently many women my size have boobs much larger than mine, boobs which have gravitated downward over the years. That combined with the fact that I’m not very tall in the first place, makes darts and shaped seams in ready-to-wear clothing a complete joke. Unfortunately that means I am doomed to wear shapeless, tentlike items of clothing which are oh, so flattering. Joy. The solution is, if I really want it to fit, I must make it myself. What can I say; I’m working on it, but tailoring clothing is tricky business. The failures seem somehow to outweigh the successes. I shall endeavor to persevere.

3) Coffee = elixir of the gods.

2) Today is Sunday. I am putting Pizza Soup in the slow-cooker this morning and then curling under my latest quilt project to handsew its binding and watch football. I also have some buttons to sew on a shirt for CJE. I’ll keep my Kindle within reach for when I get both of those done. I would say I would nap in the afternoon, but my little boy is determined none of us shall nap, least of all himself. I’m sorry if the NFL turns some of my readers off, but I love it.

1) If you could stop everyone from misusing/overusing one word in the English language, what would it be?

(For me it would be “awesome.” I hear this word used in regard to a whole lot of things that might be great, they may be super, they might even be phenomenal, but they are not really awe inspiring. Very little in this world is truly awesome. The panoramic vista of God’s creation inspires awe. The miraculous perfection of a newborn’s tiny hand is awesome. My car, while fantastic and something I am crazy about, is not awesome. Meeting a friend for lunch would be fun, it might even be great fun, but would it really be awesome? It would be nice if people understood the difference.)