Friday, February 13, 2009

I must be dreaming

I don’t know about anyone else, but the years between my 18th and 24th birthdays were not my best times. That seemed to be the time in my life that I did most all of the things that, looking back, I am thoroughly ashamed of and sincerely hope no one else knows or remembers. That was most definitely my young and stupid phase.

Interestingly enough, I was brought back to those times last night in my dreams. A dear friend from high school who was party to many of the stupid things I did then was in my dreams last night. In my dream he looked as I imagine he looks today, but I don’t know for sure as I have not seen him since way back then.

He asked for my forgiveness for his behavior in those days and told me that he forgave me for the stupid things I did and said back then. He held me in his arms and we cried together for the wrongs we had done and all the years lost. Years in which we would have been friends still only we have both been too stubborn and prideful to admit how horribly we treated one another and how little either of us deserved it. We hurt each other dreadfully back then.

Many times over the years I have tried to locate him. I want in the worst way to say: “I’m sorry.”

I awoke with such a sense of peace. It was as if the conversation of my dreams really happened. In my mind it has happened about a thousand times.

I don’t suppose we really get second chances in this life. I know I wish I could undo the stupid, unkind and dangerous things from my past, but they are there, lurking, with all their warts, to haunt me. Just the opportunity to say I’m sorry would help me more than I could imagine, but to date I have been denied even that.

So here goes: “Mitchel, wherever you are, I’m sorry. So very sorry for my hurtful actions and the stupid things I said. I would like it very much if we could be friends again. I know you would be proud of me if you could see me today. I have a happy life with a loving husband and the cutest little boy in the world, but I have missed having you as a friend. I look forward to an opportunity to reconnect. Love always, Your Favorite Russian”

1 comment:

maggie said...

Janie ... thank you for that post. I pray that your friend hears you somehow and healing can be yours.