Thursday, April 29, 2010

Having a helping of saddness

For reasons unknown, I am missing my Dad so much today. I don’t know what makes today different from any other day, but there you have it.

Some time ago I took two of the few pictures we have of Liam and my Dad and had them enlarged. They have been languishing in an envelope for months. Today, because Dad was on my mind, I decided it would be a good time to get this project finished.

I had a teary moment at the frame shop when I explained the significance of the pictures and what I wanted to have done, but all in all it was good. This will give Liam a memento for all time of his Grandpa Wayne. I am very thankful we at least have a couple of pictures of the two of them, because he’ll never remember him any other way. Liam was just too little when Dad died.

It still makes me angry. Dad died too young, and will miss out on Liam’s growing up. Liam wasn’t even walking yet when Dad passed away.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame God for taking him. We all wanted him with us, so why wouldn’t God?

It just seems so unfair to Liam, and to Dad. My Dad would have been the Grandpa who taught Liam to fish and drive a tractor and given him an appreciation of the natural world. I just know the two of them would have had so much fun together.

I consider myself a realist, and obviously nothing can be done to alter the circumstances, but I still don’t have to like it. We will tell my Dad’s stories and see him in pictures and videos and hope that we can convey to Liam how much his Grandpa Wayne loved him. That will have to do.

I cannot come up with the right words to convey the disappointment I feel in knowing this is the way it is going to be. Most of the time I just don’t let my mind go there, because it is still a very painful place. I think it always will be. If it was just me, it would be easier to deal with, but I feel this overwhelming sense of loss on Liam’s behalf. That one’s the killer, and I can’t fix this.

We love you Daddy/Grandpa and we miss you so very much.

1 comment:

Doozyanner said...

Thinking of you, Janie. I hope the quilt camp is theraputic and fun for you! :-)