Sunday, May 15, 2011

Peace located

I have found my peace. I have carved out a meager few hours of solitude in the craziness that is being the mother of my almost-4-year old, Liam. The only trouble is; it is Sunday mornings from 10:00 to noon or thereabouts while, you guessed it, CJE and Liam are at church.

Before Liam came along I was a faithful church-goer. After he came along my attendance became sporadic, and once he started to walk it became all but non-existent.

On one level I don’t have a problem with this. I am spiritually fed in other ways besides church every Sunday and the traditional Sunday sermon. The quiet solitude of my Sunday mornings has become sacrosanct and I absolutely don’t wish to give that up. It has become my time of introspection and meditation. Two things which are absolutely necessary for me to experience life on an even keel.

Another side of me is telling me there is immeasurable value in the fellowship of like-minded Christians and I am really missing out by not attending the service and gleaning said value with/from my church family. There is a peace and growth factor gained by being a part of a nurturing body of Christ, and I know this.

At this juncture I am very unsure which way to jump.

Liam will turn four two weeks from today. His normal MO is 90 miles an hour through the house; Mom, Mom, Mom-ing all the way. After a few days of this my brain seizes up and refuses to function properly and I feel a bit like the Goldie Hawn character in Overboard sitting on the corner of the couch staring into nothingness saying: “Buh-Buh-Buh-Buh.” The only therapy that seems to work for this condition is a quiet hour or three of solitude, a time when no one says my name and the only demands on my time are my own.

I struggle with the selfishness of it. I know my place is in a pew with my family, but if that is the choice I make; how do I keep from locking my son in a closet later in the week so I can have the peace my mind so desperately craves? How do I keep from becoming a screaming shrew by Thursday whom nobody wants to be around, let alone live with?

I really do feel I am doing this for my own sanity. Whether it is truly selfish or not is debatable. After all if Momma is happy, ain’t everybody happy?


Jennifer @ Studio JRU said...

LOL... wish I could offer some words of wisdom from my own experience, but with no little ones of my own, I can't help! :) I do agree with what you said though, "There is a peace and growth factor gained by being a part of a nurturing body of Christ, and I know this." So, so true. Hope you have a wonderful week ahead of you!

Odie Langley said...

Janie my friend we are so very similar. I used to be at church every time the doors opened and served on administrative boards, was a decon, I even held services at an assisted living center every sunday afternoon at 4PM for a couple of years. For whatever reason Linda & I stopped attending church and have been where you are at this time and also enjoy our sunday morning time of peace and refreshing. I also have friends with blogs that make me feel I need to be doing more as well and am thinking about it but it is hard to make the next step yet. You are not alone my friend.

Danielle said...

We've been out of church for about 4 years. It's habit now and we are trying to go back. As a mother of 3 young ones, I do know of where you speak. I recharge on alone time. That's just the kind of person I am and I do not get enough of it. When I go for a run, it helps but I need to make some "me" time at some point and it is hard. I try to do it daily when the kids take their "quiet time" for a couple hours, but I don't always get it. Will you be homeschooling? If not, then you will get some "me" time when your lil' one goes to school, but if you are going to homeschool, then starting now to make a "quiet" time for at least an hour daily, will save you sanity later. Baby steps of helping him stay in his room until mommy is done having some alone time. My kids know the routine now but every once in a while they try to protest.

maggie said...

I have often said that on Sunday mornings I can be found at St. Mattress ... lying in bed, drinking cheap wine.

You, however, have found a truly spiritual way to spend your Sunday. If that is what brings you into the presence of God - and it certainly sounds like it is - then you are exactly where you are meant to be.